Let Me Be Not Okay

For the sake of my already failing mental health, please do not say these things when I tell you I’m not doing well because if I feel comfortable enough to be honest with you, you are probably someone I desperately need to validate my not okay-ness. This isn’t a self-centered, masochistic thing. It’s a would-you-tell-a-diabetic-they’re-fine-? thing. I am sick. Let me be sick. Don’t take that away from me. I desperately cling onto the fact that my mental illnesses are not me so that I can maintain hope that I will get better.

When you tell me I’m “fine,” two things happen: I climb atop my guilt-heap once more and I want to stop existing because I start to think I am my mental illnesses. Trust me. If I’m telling you the truth about my mental health, you are probably one of the people for whom I feel obligated to exist and exist healthily for that matter, so please don’t make it harder by guilt-tripping me and making me think this is who I truly am.

I’m working on myself for you, and until I’m healthy enough to see the value in working on myself for me, please validate my illness. Even though you’re well intentioned, the outcome of your words is not what you think it is. Anyway, on to the list:

 

  • “You’re fine.”
    • No, I am not. Someone who went to medical school thinks I am not fine, so thanks for your expert opinion, but really no thanks. (See above.)
  • “This is just because you think too much.”
    • Okay, let me turn my brain off. Oh wait, the only way to do that is to stop existing, but you won’t let me get swallowed by my mattress, so.
  • “Stop being so inwardly-focused.”
    • I am alternating between god-complex and self-loathing against my will. Sorry if that inconveniences you.
  • “Can’t you do something fun?”
    • I can, but then I’m constantly aware of how the fun will soon end and I will be back to the void of unbounded and miserable consciousness.
  • “Find something you’re passionate about and channel all your energy into that.”
    • When I’m depressed, I’m not passionate about the things I’m passionate about.
  • “Pamper yourself.”
    • I do not deserve to be pampered.
  • “Oh, everyone feels sad and lonely occasionally.”
    • Did it make you want to die though?
  • “Everyone drinks too much and has careless sex at some point.”
    • Were you so happy you wanted to kill yourself though?
  • “Everyone is worried about how they’re perceived.”
    • Did it make you want to hide in your room forever though?
  • “You seem like you’re coping really well.”
    • I put all my energy into seeming this way, so thank you. Effort well spent I suppose.
  • “You have too good of a life to be this unhappy.”
    • AND NOW I FEEL MORE GUILTY
  • “Get involved in humanitarian work.”
    • I refuse to use people as a pawn for my healing. Also, I can’t even help myself.
  • “Do something for someone else.”
    • We’re all going to die. What’s the point?
  • “Don’t be so selfish.”
    • I am using every last bit of willpower to function like some semblance of a normal human being. Sorry if that seems selfish.
  • “Count your blessings.”
    • Objective blessings counted. I am still depressed.
  • “Happiness is fleeting.”
    • Everything is fleeting.
  • “You should try praying.”
    • Been there, done that, and god put his fingers in his ears and started yelling.
  • “Well, I have faith in god, and you don’t see me having all these issues.”
    • If god is that sadistic, then I don’t really like him anyway.
  • “You’re just bringing everyone down.”
    • Imagine how much I’m bringing myself down 24/7.
  • “Don’t be so pessimistic.”
    • Don’t be so optimistic.
  • “Just STOP!”
    • My brain is literally a vehicle to transport useless compulsions. If I stop, anxiety will hold a gun to my head and tell me to do the compulsion anyway.
  • “You don’t need medication. You aren’t that bad, are you?”
    • I am SICK. I have a MENTAL ILLNESS. ILLNESS = SICK. SICK IS WHAT I AM. I NEED A DOCTOR’S CARE. I AM SICK. SICK.
  • “You just have to find meaning in your life.”
    • Thanks but no thanks, Kierkegaard.
  • “You’re here for a reason.”
    • Stop trying to indoctrinate me in a really roundabout way please.
  • “You have a purpose.”
    • Now I just feel pressured to find my purpose.
  • “You’re not an accident.”
    • This entire universe is a goddamn accident.
  • “Jesus loves you.”
    • Lol all signs point to no.
  • “Lots of people would be devastated if anything happened to you.”
    • I know. That’s why nothing has happened to me, so you’re welcome.
  • “You won’t ever end up in the hospital.”
    • I will if I need to, bitch.
  • “You’ll feel better if you talk it out.”
    • I can only talk about my problems in prepared clinical terms or humor. Do not think I want to be vulnerable with you. It will make me feel uncomfortable, and you will just be more worried.
  • “Can’t you express any emotion?”
    • Dissociation, anyone?
  • “Would you be sad if something happened to one of us?”
    • Yes. But could I show it? Probably not.
  • “Do you love me?”
    • Yes, and now I feel bad for not being able to adequately convey that love.
  • “Why do you keep flaking?”
    • Because I made plans when I was hypomanic, and now I’m depressed.
  • “You’re no fun anymore.”
    • Thanks for only loving the manic in me.
  • “Where’s the old Allie?”
    • She’ll be back and delusional soon enough. Oh, you mean old, old Allie. Lol I don’t even remember her.
  • “Just stop thinking about mortality so much.”
    • If I tell you to not think about a pink elephant, what are you thinking about?
  • “Do you exercise?”
    • DO YOU?
  • “How are you eating?”
    • BADLY
  • “You should be vulnerable.”
    • I literally don’t know how to access my emotions?!?!?!
  • “You need to share what you’re feeling.”
    • I am not feeling. I can only share what I’m feeling when something incredibly minuscule happens and breaks open the dam of my repressed emotions, and when that happens, you will regret ever asking me to share my feelings.
  • “Be mindful.”
    • Of what? My mind’s other voice that tells me how terrible I am? Sounds good.
  • “Bipolar people are more creative, you know.”
    • AT WHAT FUCKING COST?
  • “Mentally ill people are more intelligent.”
    • DITTO. Also that alleged intelligence just puts added pressure on me to do things I don’t really want to do.
  • “You’re just too deep.”
    • Sorry, I lost the ability to distract myself from my imminent doom long ago. Be thankful that you still can. I know the deep questions are buried in you somewhere, but you’re too scared to access them. My wish is that you never have to. So stop trying to give me a backhanded compliment about being  /r/im14andthisisdeep. Don’t diminish yourself like that, and don’t make me feel like my mental illness is somehow making me more intellectual. It makes me entirely irrational is what it does.
  • “Do you ever do anything for, like, fun?”
    • I am either euphoric or miserable. There is no in between. I can only momentarily suspend my existential despair only to be greeted by it tenfold when the fun is over.
  • “We want you to want to get better for you.”
    • I don’t want to get better for me. What’s the point? Stop guilting me.
  • “You know that’s not real, right?”
    • It’s real to me. How can I know it’s not real? Who made you the authority on all things real? How can I trust you? Riddle me that!!
  • “How could you be so self-conscious? You have a lot going for you.”
    • DO I? Where are all my friends and my 100+ Facebook likes then? HUH?????????
  • “The weather is so bipolar.”
    • *Microaggression radar going off*
  • “I was depressed once, and then I read [insert waste-of-time-and-money book here].”
    • Congratulations on 1) not really being depressed and 2) getting hoodwinked by some self-help guru.
  • “Can’t you just care a little bit?”
    • I tried that once, and then I remembered mortality renders everything futile. Don’t try to convince me it doesn’t. It does. Sorry.
  • “Why are you so angry all the time?”
    • BECAUSE I AM SICK AND IT IS FRUSTRATING AS FUCK, AND YOU ARE NOT HELPING EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK YOU ARE AND EVEN WHEN I’M CLEARLY TELLING YOU THAT YOU AREN’T BUT YOU WON’T LISTEN.
  • “Just be positive.”
    • *Pulls out DSM-V and a gun*
  • “Happiness is a choice.”
    • That’s like telling a cancer patient that remission is a choice. Good for you for being an insensitive dick. Also, stop reading Thought Catalog so much. Please, for the sake of literally everyone on the planet.

/rant

 

A shortened version of this post was published on the Huffington Post website.

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