Nine Dissociative Affirmations that Will Make You Forget Your Life

nine.jpgI found a list of particularly disturbing positive affirmations that are supposed to give my usual positive affirmations some “umph.” Of course, this is operating under the assumption that my mirror is already covered in sticky notes full of platitudes, but my mirror is covered in toothpaste and mascara. So minus one for me. Anyway, I gave them the once-over, and I was filled with seething rage, which I’m pretty sure is the opposite effect positive affirmations are supposed to have. I then needed a list of dissociative affirmations to detach from my anger, so to achieve that end, I reworked the list to fit my current needs. Maybe it’ll fit yours too:

1. Original: I am in control of my own thinking.

New: I lack total control of my own thinking, so I affirm my ability to behave ritualistically in order to mitigate the complete and utter terror my thinking instills in me.


2. Original: I think only thoughts that create and fulfill the best in me.

New: I think only thoughts that wish to create and fulfill my slow but steady self-destruction, so I will use a thick coat of irony in relaying these desires because everything is one big joke anyway.


3. Original: My mind is constantly in tune with the positive.

New: My mind is constantly in tune with scenarios that will never happen in reality, so I will talk to myself for hours in a fugue of maladaptive daydreaming.


4. Original: I am full of great thoughts and positive ideas.

New: I am full of paranoid thoughts and half-baked ideas, so I will pursue each idea half-heartedly under the assumption that I am destined to fail, which will be a self-fulfilling prophecy because I didn’t have an actionable plan in the first place.


5. Original: My thoughts are bright, cheerful and enthusiastic.

New: My thoughts are dark, melancholic, and demotivating, so I will channel them into art that alarms and concerns people.


6. Original: I consciously choose what I think.

New: My subconscious chooses what I think, so I will externalize that lack of control by staring catatonically at a wall all day because my subconscious is scary and violent.


7. Original: I always choose thoughts that are most positive and beneficial to me.

New: I always choose thoughts that are most negative and detrimental to me, so I will browse Wikipedia for hours in an attempt to make the Internet do the thinking for me.


8. Original: All of my thoughts create healthiness within me.

New: All of my thoughts seek to destroy me from the inside out, so I will eat an entire bag of chips in one sitting to quiet them while simultaneously fulfilling their desires.


9. Original: I remember to think positively all day, every day.

New: I cannot remember so much as what day it is, so I will choose to dissociate to the point of it not mattering what day it is.


Hope these help you sufficiently detach from reality when the existential despair becomes unbearable. Remember, none of this actually matters anyway!


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